It’s Saturday morning here in New York and instead of sleeping in like everyone else in the world is doing, the alarm in body hasn’t seemed to figure out that I don’t need to wake up at 6:30am on the weekend. So alas, here I am, sitting on my terrace, drinking a cup of coffee to get my juices flowing, wishing it had been a sunny day so I wouldn’t be sitting in the midst of fog.
It’s a shame, you can’t even make out the bridge at all in this type of fog but It’s fine. I’ll forgive this weather for today.
Regardless of the gloom, October is still my favorite month out of the year. Besides being my favorite month of the fall season, it is also the month I was born – I have 3 weeks left before I am officially a year older and I’m not quite sure if I am ready to handle that yet… It was also the month I started dating Michael, my husband. In fact, tomorrow makes it 9 years that we have spent together, although where the time went, I’ll never know. And because Mike is also a lover of October (I mean, he had to be if I was to marry him), our 2 year wedding anniversary is just 11 days away.
Because all these milestones occur in October, I also tend to find it the month that I spend the most time analyzing my life and the roads I have taken.
Overall- I am happy, I think. I mean, I really have no reason to complain. My days of writing 30 page research papers for each of my grad classes are behind me. I have a job that I enjoy, or at least try to enjoy to the best of my ability, despite several mitigating factors. My family and friends are all healthy and continue to grow. I have been married to the man I love for two years now with only our lifetime ahead of us. We have spent our time together traveling as much as we could over the years so that we could be prepared for what would come next in our life that may put a temporary stop to those travel plans. And just in this last year, we are able to own (more or less) the roof that is over our heads (for those of you that don’t know what a coop is, it’s similar to a condo except you really own “shares” of the building as opposed to the unit itself, but that’s neither here nor there.)
So, if I have no reason to be unhappy, why is it that I am feeling so…unfulfilled? I have always lived my life with a plan in mind (I really like making and sticking to plans, much to the chagrin of others at times 🙂 ) and so far I have seen my plans through. Make it through grad school, find a good paying job with great benefits (which let me tell you, was no easy feat in 2010 when NYC was still experiencing a recession), find the love of my life and lock him up (nailed that), try new experiences and travel when I can, and eventually, own my own home. So imagine my surprise, when all my planning has led me to to exactly where I want to be, and yet I find myself feeling this way.
So I have been thinking, and thinking, and thinking…was I just so set on checking off another thing on my list that I didn’t actually let myself experience the journey? I’m reminded of when we went to Rome 3 years ago. We were spending 12 days there and I remember being so excited and not wanting to miss a thing. So naturally, I used an excel sheet to schedule out each one of our days there. I had the times we would wake up, the places we’d go and see each day, where we would eat lunch and dinner, I even scheduled some time in for resting for an hour in the middle of each day. Yeah..I realize now that this may have been a bit overboard. Naturally we didn’t stick to the schedule cause while I am all about the plan, Mike is all about the flow. We couldn’t be more opposite if we tried in that aspect.
I’ve been sitting here thinking and writing for so long that the worst of the fog has lifted so I should probably get to the point. I mentioned in my earlier post that I want to get back on track. And while my health and fitness is a part of that, I also want to take control of my life, by just letting go. So here are my resolutions for now:
1.Stop making plans. I need to learn to go with the flow and just live my life in the moment. For now, I have passed through the “hardest” parts of my life at this stage and I need to just enjoy each day as it comes.
2.Take myself into consideration – do more of what makes me happy and don’t worry about everyone else all the time. I have spent so much of my time worrying about what others will think or say and I can’t have that. I need to just do me.
3.Realize that economizing doesn’t have to mean the end of my experiences. I think the biggest challenge for me right now is that we don’t have the extra money we used to for traveling the way I like. It was one thing when we were renting. It was easy to plan out 2 big trips every 6 months when we only had to worry about paying the rent for our one bedroom apartment. Now that we are living in a coop, we have to worry about paying our mortgage and maintenance (and the maintenance bill alone is what we used to pay for our rent.) And let me tell you…that doesn’t leave much spending money at the end of the month. So here I am, pledging to come up with creative ways to budget so as to allow us at least one big trip each year.
The hard part is that most of these resolutions don’t have a concrete end in sight. It’s not like losing my target weight which is visible. I have to be my own judge and see if I am upholding these resolutions for myself.
But what about you?
What resolutions have you made for yourself? Does anyone else have feel the need to plan as meticulously as I do, or I am just the lone nut here?
As it turns out, the fog has lifted, the sun is peaking its way through the clouds and it is now 9am and probably time to get my day started. I have no plans but I feel like a weight has been lifted and I am dying to see what this day will bring…